We need Dinozord Power, NOW! (Seriously. Right Now.)

  I’m prone to random fits of nostalgia so naturally I spent part of this evening not doing my homework and dwelling on the puzzling predicament the befalls my present. I am not a Power Ranger. The only reason I’m so baffled is because unlike so many other things in my life, I actually had a plan outlined for this particular goal and I followed all the steps!

Step One: Become Jason 

(My parents took care of this one for me when they named me)   

    Step Two: “Tyrannosaurus!”

and Boom... Go Go Power Rangers!   

  How could I have possibly failed?!... Though it’s not just the meticulous attention to detail mentioned above that makes my lack of a power coin so hard to accept. I have spent the last third of my existence modeling my way of life after the adolescents of Angel Grove and I had become a bona fide T.W.A. (Teenager with Attitude). Even still, I rarely change my clothes and when I do I never stray away from a very strict palate of primary colors, and I’ve become very skilled at talking expressively with only my hand and neck movements being visible. But despite the fact that I continually go out of my way to grunt unnecessarily, run short distances which could be easily walked (which also makes whoosh noises for every action I perform), and surround myself with friends of all racial backgrounds Zordon continues to overlook me! I mean I even went to high school an extra year because I know that he prefers to recruit kids who are too old to actually be there. So what the hell is your problem, fathead?! (That enough 'A' for your T.W.A?) You happy, now? I was a completely upstanding citizen who never cursed and actually used words like “Morphenomenal!” and now you’ve got me all riled up and flinging bitterness into the wind… Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi.

  Anyway, I got to thinking what it would be like if some of my more monochromatic, juice-bar-oriented friends and I actually became Power Rangers. Naturally, as red is my favorite color and because people are stunned by my biceps (Sure, it’s a different kind of stunned like a “Is that your humerus?” or “Do they feed you?” type of response, but nonetheless the  fact remains that technically, both me and the former Red Ranger elicit gasps from onlookers when we wear sleeveless shirts.) I would be the leader and command the Tyrannosaurus Rex Dinozord. However when I brought the idea of a potential Power Rangers team to my friend Deborah, not only did she claim the mantle of the Blue Ranger, (in spite of the fact that she’s a girl, doesn’t wear overalls or glasses, and has never once uttered the word “Prodigious!”) but she also threw my entire world into a tailspin when she presented a freakish animal hybrid of her own sick imagining, The Narwhalrus, as a possible Zord animal. Firstly, note the name of this blog! Naturally occurring narwhals are a scientific impossibility! Secondly, walruses have mustaches and mustaches are evil.

   Thus, any narwhalri (Zord or not) have no place defending good in the universe on our Power Ranger team.

  Also, speaking of not having a place… the Zords have to fit together, people! That’s how we get the Megazord; that ability to attach robot animals together is the only thing that separates us from the animal animals. So I’m sorry narwhal and walrus… Sure your quirky anatomically improbable horn and your deep, blustering bellows may be all the rage in the local zoos, but when it comes to being a part of the Power Rangers, it’s about fitting in, not standing out.

  I use the platypus as another example here as something that wouldn’t go well with the others. Just so you know, whenever the question is  "Which of these doesn't belong?" the answer is always the platypus. It’s like marking C on a standardized test.