Pest Control

The squirrels on the CSUN campus are much smarter and far more cunning than naturally occurring squirrel populations in the rest of the world. Do not mistake my tone. I do not proclaim this as though they are some type of novelty as is Yogi Bear with his reputation as being “smarter (and better dressed) than the average bear.” The apocalyptically perverse spike in organization and intelligence in these squirrels is more akin to the super smart sharks created in Deep Blue Sea or the Mensa-level raptors from Jurassic Park.

However, this upset in the balanced hierarchy of man and beast is not the result of cartoon animation or genetic manipulation. No, these college-educated squirrels refuse to know their place because of the poor, naïve habits of the college student. It does not matter how cute, furry, or entertaining they may appear; they are evil.  Deer are cute, but they kill more humans annually than any other animal in this country. Spiders are furry, and some of them are poisonous! You know what’s both furry and entertaining? The white tigers from Siegfried and Roy’s Vegas act and we all know how that ended.

Between attempted murders when these squirrels scare me in front of the path of an oncoming bicyclist, retaliation attempts at murder on my part when I try to crush them in the press in the photo lab, I have had my fair share of run ins with these squirrels. Just last week I was walking

 on campus with my friend Deborah who was in town from UCSD when a squirrel came out of nowhere and barred our path, glaring at me in a way, as Deborah put it “looked like he wanted to punch you.” Given my history with these creatures, I would still argue that I was smart (and not at all impractical) in my attempt to hide behind Deborah as we passed this demon despite the fact that she is 5 or 6 inches shorter than me. 

I don’t care if they’re tiny and if they look hungry or sad or bored… or whatever! Do not yield. Fellow frequenters of the CSUN campus and all college students alike, these animals are just that: Animals. The following is an exchange between my friend Maryam and I about her complacency in feeding the squirrels on her own campus.

Maryam: I fed them pop tarts... and I think the cinnamon might have gotten them high or something... They were all getting real frisky!!! With each other that is!! 

The Voice of Reason: Your relinquishing of the pop tarts sends an ideological message that it is all right for them to accept, eat, and by extension take food from humans. It's the blind snackers like you that have allowed a climate of impotent naivety to flourish in a world built on false securities about the divisions between Man and Critter. They tricked, robbed, and assaulted me in broad daylight, Maryam! What's so "cute" about that? You're supplying the enemy, and what's worse, the friskiness you've observed and have brought about only leads to more squirrels!

I only speak so passionately because of what I’ve been through. I was once like the rest of you: Happy, safe… ignorant to the horrors of this world. But one day the veil of adorable cuteness was lifted, to reveal the hellish truth. It was October and I had been at CSUN for little more than a month. Still caught up in the whirlwind of delight that was to be felt in having a candy shop and a Burger King both a stone’s throw away from my classes, I went and jovially ordered my regular meal of chicken nuggets, fries, and a chocolate milkshake. I sat down at one of the small tables behind Manzanita, enjoying my food when the cutest little squirrel scurried over my way from the large trees on the grass across the walkway. At first it kept its distance staying on the ground behind a nearby bench which was separate from my table. Then, it hopped up onto the bench and looked at me for a bit. I was surprised that it was comfortable getting so close to me, but by no means was I alarmed or scared. After all, it was just a cute little squirrel who was probably more scared of me than I was of it (Oh, how wrong I was.) What it did next can only be described as the opening move in a sick mind game that ends with this squirrel (who has since become known as Lucifer) moving me into checkmate. It collapsed flat on its stomach and flattened itself with its legs spread out behind it on this bench which was near me. Having never seen a squirrel do this, the “Aw, isn’t that precious?” switch in my brain went off as I was equally enthralled with and pitying of its pose. While adorable, it looked like it was

 dehydrated or about to die the way it was just laying there.  Only now do I realize (that while books will say this is what squirrels do against cool surfaces to regulate their temperature when it’s hot) that this was not him fainting at all, but was in fact him getting into the same flattened, crawling spy-like position that Tom Cruise sports in Mission Impossible. Unable to resist the urge to capture this moment yet simultaneously not wanting to startle the squirrel (which I now know is beyond my power as only one man) I carefully reached into my pocket and withdrew my cell phone so I could snap a picture of it, all the while keeping my gaze trained on the squirrel who was a few feet away on the other bench. I looked down at my phone only for a couple seconds, however long it took me to press the camera button and adjust the exposure notch and when I looked back up to take the picture, the squirrel had vanished from his spot on the bench and was nowhere in either direction. Before I could even finish the mental sentence “Where the heck did he--?” Lucifer flies up at me from below my own table and lunges at me from my own lap knocking me backwards and off my seat! Because this was one of those tables where the seat is actually connected to the table as one piece, the bench did not fall back with me, so I was on my back having fallen on the ground with my legs tangled up in the seat still. Unable to immediately get up or chase after him, it was a simple matter for the hell spawn rodent to make off with my bag of Burger King… and my dignity. When I finally stood up, I arose to an empty table and incredulous laughter from onlookers eating lunch, left only with a chocolate shake and a newfound sense of purpose on this Earth. I would make him pay. 

For those of you who have yet to open your eyes to the war that has been waging for generations, just look at the CSUN enrollment posters around campus… Sure, they look harmless enough at first. A nice, wide picture of the Oviatt, students on the grass smiling and people going up and down the steps. But lurking in the periphery of this picture of bliss, looming like sentinels sending a subliminal message about who is really in charge on this campus... CSUN Squirrels!

For those of you who are also curious as to how a squirrel can flatten itself, Tom Cruise-style… here is some enlightenment not only into their unearthly powers of deception but as to just how much of a menace they are to society. 

Those are professional Major League Baseball players! If a single squirrel can knock them on their steroid-injected asses like that, what chance do the rest of us have?

I would take solace in the fact that this might have been a problem localized to my school, but unfortunately that squirrel from last week was just the beginning of Deborahs’ problems as I have it from a reliable source, that just as the grounds of CSUN have been overrun, the skies of UCSD are equally riddled with danger.

I advise you to heed this call to arms, lest you cower and take shelter enjoying what little you can in our last days on this Earth! Armageddon, thy name is Sciuridae…